Emotions in the workplace

To show or not to show; that is the question

How do I show my emotions less? That was a question an incredibly talented female leader asked me recently. And it’s a question that in our roles as coaching psychologists we get asked a lot, and it’s not gender specific. It seems many leaders grapple with this dilemma, and interestingly it seems it’s the thoughtful, self-aware and other-aware leaders for whom this subject crosses their mind most

I was struck by this question as I’d recently attended an incredible evening of short lectures on vulnerability in leadership with inspiring talks by Hannah Wilson, Liz Robson and Nadine Bernard to name just a few. Their talks reminded me – as with Brené Brown’s great research – that vulnerability and showing emotion is a strength; yet a strength best used appropriately and with consideration. As a positive psychologist and leadership expert I know that emotions, and authentically and respectfully experiencing the full range of these and expressing them are important notifiers for all. They give us information on the humans around us that make us feel connected and alive. The expression of our emotions helps us to build trust and to regulate ourselves.

As I dug deeper into the conversation with the person before me I realised the question came on the back of a very small piece of feedback she had recently received. Without diminishing the value of this feedback – as I’m a true believer in ALL feedback having value – this feedback she had received was just 1% of 100% of a feedback 360 she had just gone through. This leader had classically missed the bigger picture, she was ignoring her strengths and the breadth of positive feedback she had received, and was instead showing a lack of self compassion.

We dug further. It was not that the person before me wanted to show her emotion less. What she had noticed and understood from the feedback she had received – in a very self aware manner – was that there were times where she did not self regulate as well as she wanted to. Of course, I told her to get in the queue and join the club (I can think of a few personal stories recently!). But she had touched on something really important for all of us as leaders. That there is a time and a place for showing emotion and being vulnerable, and a time for being mindful of leaking emotion that can have a negative impact on others. What she most wanted to change was rather when her distress or worries were rubbing onto others.

In my work we often come across ‘emotional contagion’. Our emotions can affect those around us and when we do not take care to check our leakage, telling somebody you are having some challenges versus making them share or worse take your challenges on is a different story as a leader. Although it’s hard, there is more expected of us as leaders. We must wherever possible take time for our own self-care, so that we do not create reasons for others to need to increase their self care. Put simply (and this is simplification) we need to share our emotions AND mind our emotions to protect ourselves and those around us. It is again a balancing act, one that takes practice and one that we need to humbly accept when we get wrong.

Practice and evidence-based strategies if you’re reflecting on your emotions:

1. When it comes to constructive criticism, take the feedback, check it with another person, take from it what you want to and act on it as appropriate. Remember always your strengths and value alongside this feedback.

2.  When it comes to having a bad day, build your resilience in advance around it. Take time for your own self care and recovery, everything from mindfulness, to exercising, to talking with family and friends to taking a break will help with this. See more on recovery here . https://www.livewise.how/blogwise/recovery-capital

3. Share your emotions mindfully. Check whether the emotions you are sharing benefits the other person and share in a way that it doesn’t project your negative emotion onto them. Beware of leakage, contamination or contagion and share instead with thoughtfulness and compassion, with the intention to give others an understanding OF you rather than to feel LIKE you.

4. When it’s the right time to share your emotions, be unapologetic about it. Share honestly what you feel.  And share your intention for sharing it. And thank the person who’s listening.

5. If you do “spill” emotion more than you would like to go back and address it, check back in on it and own it: explain that’s what you were thinking at the time but maybe you shared more than you meant to. Then move on. And pat yourself on the back for being human.